


A letter to Kaidan (AU)

by anyrei



Series: A letter to Kaidan [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Mass Effect 2, Paragon Commander Shepard, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:09:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9451718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei
Summary: Shepard is dealing with his emotions after receiving Kaidan's letter





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second and final part of this story. Both of them are unrelated though, because this one is from Male Shepards perspective. 
> 
> My headcanon for M1 and M2 was that Shepard was attracted to Kaidan from day one but since he was his subordinate in M1 he hadn’t done anything about it. Hence why he waited until M3. Also since Shepard didn’t get the letter after Horizon (T_T) I made one up. Sue me. :D

_ Shepard, _

_ I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know? _

_ Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? How we talked all night. I don’t know maybe I was just imagining things but it’s not important. Our friendship meant a lot to me and maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I just can't put that aside. _

_ But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the man I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself. _

_ When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care. _

_ \--Kaidan _

  
  


Shepard rubbed his hands over his face and sat down on his bed heavily before he slowly unbuckled his armor. He needed a few hours of sleep, and even though he felt tired as hell, he knew sleep wouldn’t come easy. 

 

Meeting Kaidan again had affected him more than he cared to admit. Most of all, he didn’t want the crew to see him like this… They needed a clear headed leader and, at the moment, he felt anything but.

 

His first reaction after Horizon had been anger. He couldn’t believe that Kaidan had lost his trust in him. Garrus had his back so why couldn’t Kaidan? Yes… they all were working with Cerberus for the time being, but that didn’t mean anything. He hadn’t changed. He still believed in the same values as before. How could Kaidan not have seen that?

 

Shepard threw his armor to the ground and let himself fall onto the bed. For a moment he just stared at the blue reflections on his room’s ceiling from the aquarium. 

 

_ Did I feed the fish? _

 

He sat up with a deep sigh and watched his fish for a while, noticing that they were eating so he must have fed him when he came in. It was out of character for him to be distracted like that. Reasonable, level headed, calm, those were his strengths as a Captain, but seeing Kaidan again had totally threw him off balance. 

 

Kaidan’s letter didn’t make it any better. At least he didn’t feel angry anymore. Hurt, yes. But not angry. 

 

He wished Kaidan knew that trying to find him had been his first thought when he came back from the dead. That he had tried to grill Anderson for information, had tried to hack into the Alliance database and had even asked the Illusive Man about his former teammate. He just wanted him to know that he needed him, now more than ever, at his side. Like in the old days. Maybe even more.

Kaidan’s letter had been full of maybes. His chest hurt when he thought about what they could have become. There had always been that chemistry between them, some magnetic force that had pulled him to the lower deck after every mission, finding Kaidan in his usual corner repairing something, when he wasn’t in medbay getting something for his migraine. 

 

It was nice to hear that he hadn’t imagined this pull between them, but it didn’t change anything. Kaidan was still who knows where and not at his side…

 

He didn’t answer the letter until they were on their way to the Omega 4 Relay. He had helped everyone on his crew to get peace and closure before their suicide mission. Now he followed his own advice.

 

_ Kaidan, _

 

_ We’re about to reach the Omega 4 Relay and destroy the collector homebase. It feels like Ilos all over and I wish you were here at my side. I needed you then, exactly the same way I need you now. _

 

_ I’m sorry how everything went down with us on Horizon. I hope that one day you can trust me again. I haven’t changed, Kaidan. I tried to find you after Cerberus brought me back. The Citadel had been my first stop, but Anderson stonewalled me.  _

 

_ It doesn’t matter now. The relay is most likely a one way trip, but I don’t want to say goodbye to you. If there is a way to survive this and to come back, I will find it. I want to see you again, Kaidan. _

 

_ So yes, when everything is settled down. Maybe. I would want that. _

 

_ Be careful out there. _

__ \-- Shepard _ _

 

 


End file.
